So you're in the lovely country of Australia and you're in Sydney and you're thinking to yourself," I'm sick and tired of sleeping in my sleeping bag on the street. I'd like to sleep in some sort of building where I can keep warm overnight." and that sort of building, as we all know, is called a hospital.
If you want to stay somewhere warm every night you should go to a hospital and they will treat you very nicely indeed and sometimes - they wil even bathe you.
We can't guarantee it will be done by some sort of Ukrainian supermodel - but it usually is.
With a bit of help you can find an even nicer building than hospital called a hotel.
Sydney has many of the finest hotels in Australia. There are all sorts of hotels: we have hotels with pools, hotels that have no pools, we have hotels with pools and diving boards and we have hotels with a diving board and no pool at all.
We have hotels where they bring you food that you choose from a menu in your room. We possibly even have hotels where you have to make your own food from stuff in the minibar. Looks like it's KitKat sandwiches again.
We even have where they make your food right in front of you and then charge it to your room and take it out the back and give it to a possum.
Let's face it - a hotel is nicer than someone's house most homes are two storeys off the ground at the most - so you don't get a very good view.
But some hotels have three stories, four storeys, seven storeys and the best ones have forty storeys. That gives you a good view of Sydney because you're up so high in your own private room behind a window made of glass, that you are unable to open, with air conditioning in a room to keep you cool when it's cold and keeps you warm when it's hot.
Some of these hotels even have tennis courts. Imagine being able to play tennis in your own hotel. Don't forget that every hotel room has a lovely flat screen TV so you can watch all five of the ABC's digital standard definition channels. Perfect for the history buffs out there.
Did someone say ,"Do I get a toilet?" To which we answer,"Go into your bathroom and look for the white thing with the seal on it." it usually says something like sanitised for your protection but it's really there to stop what's inside from getting out.
You also get a very large warm bed. Usually what everyone calls a 'queen sized' bed so you and the children and the wife can sit on the bed any time you're not in the mood to stand or sit on the sturdy chair..or the amazing carpeted floor.Treat yourself like royalty. Sit on the bed, because you've earned it.
There are hotels in Sydney like the Park Hyatt Regency, the Hilton hotel, the Vibe Hotel and the Shangri La Hotel. There's one for every taste and budget, as long as your budget is over about two hundred bucks a night.
Sure it's 2021, and everyone is terrified of some sort of virus, but sometimes you just have to ignore it and say to yourself, "I want to visit one of Sydney's finest places for sleeping and relaxation and I'm prepared to pay much more than I would pay in my regular massage parlour."
Whenever I want to feel good about myself I find a hotel that makes me feel like I have my own Buckingham Palace and I'm a member of royalty. Sometimes, when people aren't looking, I will actually put on a small crown, but only for a short time, because it's very heavy and encrusted with diamonds and gold and cubic zirconium
Of course, one of the things to remember with hotels, is that you have normal rooms on the lower levels and then - as you get higher up and further off the ground - the hotel the rooms get larger and more expensive so you might pay two hundred dollars a night for a normal room on the third floor and someone who went to the same school as you might pay a thousand dollars to stay in the penthouse suite and they will be treated like a king - but they will have to bathe themselves.